dreams

The other night I had a dream that I was walking down a path of charred cigars. They were the same cigarillos that my father used to smoke. When I reached the end of the path he was sitting before me but he was an unrecognizable figure but I knew it was supposed to be my dad because he was smoking the same vanilla flavored cigars and I the whole place was thick with dark smoke and I could taste it and was choking on it. He was muttering something about never going to be happy and about how I was cursed. I awoke in a furious sweat and had to head to the window and get some fresh night air. I wish he would stop haunting me. I wish I was born to another family. I wish I had another father. I wish I would have been raised differently. I wish he wasn't dead.

Despite all this morbid bullshit I am still constantly reminded that I am luckier and more fortunate than other people. I just wished knowing this would be enough motivation to make me do the things I would rather not do but I know would be good for me. Sometimes I wish I lived in the jungle somewhere and lead a more simple life but I know this could never happen and even if I was to move somewhere like that, it would not be what I hoped it would be because I am forever tainted with the experiences and memories that I have. They are what has shaped me into the man I am today and I can not unlearn or unwitness anything. I must embrace what I am and seek happiness.

I am trying to be a nice guy online. I am trying to be a different person. I am trying to be the man I wish people would look at me as at. I don't know if I am kidding myself or not but I am definitely enjoying talking to these women I am meeting online about love, relationships, hopes and fears. I decided this morning that I am going to seek out more mature women and also try and find spiritually enlightened women. I am not saying that I am a really spiritual person, in fact I am quite logical and believe a lot in science etc but at the same time, most of the love that I have felt in my life has felt like magic. Living life according to logic is extremely dry so I am willing to try anything at this point. I think that if I can meet a girl who is very spiritual then she will hopefully not be really insecure like most girls that I meet and this means she would have the capacity to understand me and tolerate me.

This means that I am now looking for girls who do yoga and also women who are into trantic sex. I am also looking for girls who study Buddhism and other relaxing religions. I think that girls who practice meditation would be ideal partners to pursue also. So I am starting over and I am only going to contact girls who fit this profile. I will let you guys know how it goes cuz today I sent out about 10 messages and now I am just waiting for some replies.